The Cave (2005) review

Or, I know the films set in a cave and all, but the viewing experience doesn't have to feel like I'm in a cave. I want to see dammit!

You can watch the trailer here.



A group of us were looking to watch a scary film on the projector at home, and it turns out I have a pretty pitiful representation of horror films. I own the entire  Leprechaun cannon, all 6 films including Leprechaun in the Hood (2000) and Lep in Space (1996), and that's it. Literally. This is my entire horror film collection. Why do I love these films so much?

Anyway, we eventually ditched the collection and delved into Grinnyface's dvd pile.

He picked up The Cave (2005), told me it was similar to The Descent (2005), but better. Sold.

I know I usually use the IMDB synopsis here, but the DVD synopsis made me chuckle so I'm going to manually type that out for you. Generous as I am!

Deep in the Romanian forest, a team of scientists stumbles upon the ruins of a 13th Century Abbey. On further inspection, they make a startling discovery – the Abbey is built over the entrance to a giant underground cave system, so they hire a group of American cave-explorers to help them investigate its depths. JACK (Cole Hauser) and his brother TYLER (Eddie Cibrian) are thrill-seeking professional cave explorers who run a team of the top divers in the world. They arrive in Romania with all the latest equipment, including a new type of scuba tank allowing a diver to remain submerged for up to 24 hours. The Crack units, which also includes CHARLIE (Piper Perabo) and BUCHANAN (Morris Chestnut), immediately begins their exploration. But what they find deep inside the cave is not just a new eco-system, but an entirely new species altogether…..

I love this description! It is like they just grabbed some random guy on the street and said: Tell us what this film is about. No... Wait... Woah! What are you doing!? Don't put any emotion into it! Don't sell it to me! Just tell me, black and white, what happens. Stop trying to make it sound good!

But then they panicked and thought it sounded a bit bland, so they thought they would add a few 'big names' like Piper Perabo, who although I love, Coyote Ugly (2000) and Cheaper by the Dozen (2003), does not a big name make. I also don't know who Morris Chestnut is, but I'm not going to pick on him because I think his name is awesome was definitely worth putting on the back of the case. The sceptic in me (or probably just the sceptic me) is pretty shore the studios were just making sure they had ticked off the female and black quadrant of their equal opportunities contract. What do you mean white male patriarchy!?

Also, I know I'm dyslexic and my spelling/grammar often leaves a lot to be desired, but shouldn't it be 'a team of scientists stumble', or 'a scientific team stumbles' not 'a team of scientists stumbles'? Seriously, you had to write one paragraph?! How could you get it so wrong!

Anyway, enough about the DVD description! Let's get back to the merits of the actual film making shall we?

FYI It isn't better than The Descent.

In terms of what they are, they are exactly the same. Two 2005 films about teams of thrill seeking cave explorers, who venture and into, and ultimately get trapped in virgin caves and find something sinister has evolved down there.

Goes to show basic plot isn't everything huh?

The Descent is the chilling, claustrophobic, and terrifying story of a group of strong female friends whose sense of adventure launches them into a horrific situation, but will also be the only chance they have of getting out of it alive. The Cave is a bland story badly filmed, of a group brought together only because we've been told that they are 'the best', plus they've thrown in two women and a black guy just to keep things fruity, who get trapped just because that's what happens in horror films, and use their fascinating ability to just keep ploughing forward without thinking too much, to ultimately get them all killed.

Oops spoiler alert! Joking, they don't all die...or do they? Come on, it's a horror film! If you don't expect some death then I worry about you.

I'm trying very hard not to make some snide 'crappy American remake of a UK film' remarks, mainly because they were released in the same year so neither was a remake, just a fun coincidence. However, if you pick up on any of that moving forward I genuinely apologise.

I'm going to give The Cave some points as it seems to have realised that most often it is what you can't see which is the most terrifying. However it mostly achieved this by filling the whole film with tumbling cameras and too little lighting so that no one can see anything. This doesn't harbour tension, this creates frustration and resentment. I get it, I'm in a cave, people are falling about all over the place, DON'T PUNISH ME FOR THEIR INCOMPETENCE! They're characters not cameramen.

Forget it. I'm taking back those points.

I took some enjoyment from Eddie Cibrian, but only because of his presence. It amused me that someone would actually hire him for an actual cinematic release.

I used to be a serial watcher of Sunset Beach (1997 - 1999 TV Series) (thanks so much 00s Channel 5 for only playing the worst of American TV shows and TV movies) and Cibrian's horrendous portrayal of Cole with the ever changing faces of his plank of wood girlfriend/wife (while sleeping with her Elizabeth Taylor styled mother) were one of my favourite parts of that show. (My favourite of course was the Ben, 'Oh my God my wife died in a mysterious boating accident, but now I'm engaged, but oh no! My nurse fiancé is actually caring for my old, not dead wife who is suffering form amnesia, but OH NO! Turns out the boat accident wasn't an accident, it was actually my evil twin who pushed her, and now he's back and has had an affair with my wife and my fiancé!' storyline. But that's another story.) Still, Cibrian was bland as always, and in what's trying to be a 'real film' it wasn't funny.

Warning: Here is what The Cave thinks is a massive spoiler alert. 

I also enjoyed watching Cersei from Game of Thrones (2011 - TV Series) conspiring as usual. First, she was pretending to be a modern day woman, and some kind of Dr Lady Scientist might I add, damn sneaky Cersei. And at the very end it turns out that she has actually become a host for the big evil parasite that has been turning people, yes people, into the cave monsters. She wants to let it out into the real world! Damn you, Cersei!

I actually really love Lena Headey. I think any actor whom you can watch for an entire film, without even realising it is them, is a fricking chameleon, and she did this fabulously as Ma in Dredd. Also she is perfect as Cersei, creating a pantomime villain you love to hate, but always understand exactly why she is behaving this way and often feeling really sorry for her. Yet, she let herself be completely wasted here when signing up for this dirge of a script, and her presence just reeks of; I'm just happy to be signed on for a big US project. 

Her character was one of those typical pointless female character roles. Which is annoying in itself, but even more so when they give them stereotyped roles or character traits to give the impression that isn't the case. There were two female roles in this film and both were pretty terrible. This is how I imagine these discussions go. If we make one woman clever (or have a degree/doctor title, but makes idiotic decisions, thus undermining her intelligence) and another woman overtly fearless (or stupidly, thus getting herself killed as punishment for daring to be brave) that means we are doing our bit for feminism. 

Silly women pretending to be brave and clever. You just make yourself look like idiots. NO, just NO.

Also, for the record, having two men roll around about on the floor having a fist fight after a solitary, small flippant comment drives them over the edge doesn't impress us into thinking they are strong protective males, just FYI.

Seriously, if it takes one comment for a person to launch themselves at people, they have no place on any team, let alone a serious research and exploration team. But hey, these guys are 'the best'.

Due to the horrendous camera work and lighting I still cant picture what the creatures look like either, so I won't even comment on that. I would probably lean more to the I think they looked good side, but who knows?

I really am struggling to pick out some good things about The Cave, which is a real shame as I do like to mention some positives and negatives of every film when I can, if only to play devils advocate. However the majority was just effortlessly bad. I can definitely say I liked some of the underwater scenes within the cave, but that was more in a deep sea documentary way. Therefore this is more a compliment to water, who was undoubtedly the best performer in the film. Bravo nature.

I did genuinely quite like Cole Hauser. His character was the first to be infected by the cave parasite, and he played his transformation with this truly brutal coldness. You could never quite tell if it was because he was leading them astray, or because he realised he didn't have much time left and had to get them out as quickly as possible before it took him over. I'm pretty sure he was the only reason I was able to watch it all the way through. So thank you very much Hauser. You provided a genuine public service throughout The Cave.

So in short, watch The Descent.

BONUS POINTS: Piber Perabo doing the weirdest scream I have ever heard. Seriously, I know every misogynistic horror wants a screamy, weepy woman to be punished with death and torture, but if she can't physically scream just let her shout profanities or something!