Ride Along (2014) Review

Or, I'm not going to waste my time writing a long detailed review as this film was pointless.

You can view the trailer if you are really, really bored here.

So I went to see Ride Along (2014) on Wednesday. Wasn't by choice really, but I did drag the Tweebs out to watch Frozen (2013) last week and it turns out revenge is a dish best served bland and tepid.

Here is a nice IMDB plot synopsis for you;

Fast-talking security guard Ben joins his cop brother-in-law James on a 24-hour patrol of Atlanta in order to prove himself worthy of marrying Angela, James' sister.

At best it was offensive. Two of my favourite quotes, and quite frankly the only ones I can remember were "He's one gene away from being a midget." And, after a bunch of gang members pull out their weapons in a strip club (not in that way, though they might as well have), "Man, you gotta be kidding me! You gonna pull out a gun, when you looking at THIS?" as he points at a stripper's ass. Oh I did forget another. After breaking up to teenagers fighting in the cafeteria Kevin Hart responds, "You can't fight, you're white." Way to ghetoise every other race and perpetuate notions of white vs. other Hart!

At worst and most generally it was just bland. Ice Cube, is terrible. Kevin Hart is loud and irritating, in a way that I'm guessing is meant to be endearing, and Tika Sumpter, the love interest and sister of our tale, was little more than window dressing.

Seriously. All she did in the film was;

1. Nearly get "pounded by the black hammer" on numerous occasions.
2. Send sexy texts to Kevin Hart - which you don't even see her do, you just get to watch Hart react like a Neanderthal and Ice Cube look disgusted. I think. All his faces are the same. I say faces, I mean snarls.
3. Wear some hot pants.
4. Briefly play a little Xbox - which is just intended to be funny I think, for no reason other than women can't play consoles or shooting games, or something. Our little thumbs are just too weak.
5. Get kidnapped, still wearing said hot pants. 

I literally paid more attention to the hot pants than this poor woman. Though I guess that was the point. Job well done Ride Along! Even straight ladies were intrigued by the hot pants.

Les Misérables (2012) Review

Do you here the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? Yes, It's getting them to shut up again that's the problem.

Me and Specialface go to see Les Misérables (2012)

Watch the Trailer here.

So I have a new person to introduce you to. She doesn't live in my house, shock horror, but she does live in the other house I seem to spend the majority of my time.

I'm not going to go too far into it here. So I have edited the Setting the Scene page with all of Specialface's info if you want to stalk her. This is about Les Misérables (2012) god dammit.

Moving swiftly on, even I'm not stupid enough to attempt to make Manface sit through three hours of people singing. I'm pretty sure I could have convinced (without even too much persuasion) Beardface or even Grinnyface to come, but for a musical you need someone who is truly on your level. You need someone who you spent the majority of 6th form with having 'musical days' where you sang each sentence just because you were that bored. I needed Specialface, like a fat girl needs cake.

I don't want to explain the intricacies of the plot as there are a few and it just ruins everything. Basically we're in 19th Century France. The poor are ready to revolt against the rich. The rich don't want that because they like their fat behinds on velvet cushions. Some of the rich are pretending to be poor because it's cool these days and some of the poor have even skipped parole to pretend to be rich. There's even a love story thrown in for good measure. (Where else would the soppy duet come from?) Oh and there's singing. Lots of singing. This isn't one of those musicals where people burst into song whenever they just can't contain their emotions. Oh no, this is one of those musicals where people sing about making a cup of tea and which teabag should they chose. There 'aint much talking.

Django Unchained (2012) Review

Or Tarantino Unleashed!

Me and Manface and Django Unchained (2012)

Watch the Trailer here.

So yes, the subject of the first post on my return was supposed to be Django Unchained (2012) so let's get right on that.

On Wednesday Manface and I went to the Odeon in Bath. That of course means two things;


1. Bath Odeon
Undoubtedly the most uncomfortable cinema I have ever had the displeasure of sitting in. Everything else is fine, don't get me wrong, but they do something to those seats to make you constantly wriggle. Maybe it's a new movement to combat passive viewing in the cinema? I don't know, but I go to the Odeon to watch generic blockbusters. If I want something special I'll go to the Little Theatre every time.

2. Orange Wednesdays
Now I'm not against Orange Wednesday in premise. It brings a lot more people into the cinema which I love. Cinema is communal. I think being forced to overhear and process the opinions of those you wouldn't usually share such insights with can bring about the best type of analysis. It is also for this reason why I will rarely read a review until after I have seen a film. I much prefer to have my own personal, internal (although despite the absence of the other party I often find it does get quite vocal!) debate with a critic than to have their opinions influence my own reading. I digress. The point is more bums on seats is fantastic, however you can always guarantee if there's a bunch of obnoxious cinema goers it will definitely be on a Wednesday.

So beyond that, woooo cinema!

Django Unchained follows slave Django (Jamie Foxx), now a 'Freeman' 'unchained' by his unlikely partner Dr Schultz (Christoph Waltz), a German bounty hunter. After Django shows promise in the profession Schultz takes him on as his protege while they save enough money over the Winter to rescue Django's wife from slavery.