Stolen? Taken? Taken 2? Scooby Doo, Where Are You?

So yeah, obviously I have vanished again. Come back for 10 minutes and gone already after so many promises? And I thought I had changed.

Don't you worry it's just a temporary set back. I've been given a change of magazines at work which is really exciting and gives me a fantastic new project to sink my teeth into. However, it also means rushing to understand a whole new market which couldn't be more different to what I'm used to!

I am massively busy trying to get my head around it all but don't you worry, I will be back soon. I've had a couple of run ins with Jason Statham to tell you about.

See you soon! (promise!)

Les Misérables (2012) Review

Do you here the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? Yes, It's getting them to shut up again that's the problem.

Me and Specialface go to see Les Misérables (2012)

Watch the Trailer here.

So I have a new person to introduce you to. She doesn't live in my house, shock horror, but she does live in the other house I seem to spend the majority of my time.

I'm not going to go too far into it here. So I have edited the Setting the Scene page with all of Specialface's info if you want to stalk her. This is about Les Misérables (2012) god dammit.

Moving swiftly on, even I'm not stupid enough to attempt to make Manface sit through three hours of people singing. I'm pretty sure I could have convinced (without even too much persuasion) Beardface or even Grinnyface to come, but for a musical you need someone who is truly on your level. You need someone who you spent the majority of 6th form with having 'musical days' where you sang each sentence just because you were that bored. I needed Specialface, like a fat girl needs cake.

I don't want to explain the intricacies of the plot as there are a few and it just ruins everything. Basically we're in 19th Century France. The poor are ready to revolt against the rich. The rich don't want that because they like their fat behinds on velvet cushions. Some of the rich are pretending to be poor because it's cool these days and some of the poor have even skipped parole to pretend to be rich. There's even a love story thrown in for good measure. (Where else would the soppy duet come from?) Oh and there's singing. Lots of singing. This isn't one of those musicals where people burst into song whenever they just can't contain their emotions. Oh no, this is one of those musicals where people sing about making a cup of tea and which teabag should they chose. There 'aint much talking.

Oh, Hi Mark!

Or another reason why I love where I work.

This is just a quick and random one while I sort out my Les Misérables (2012) review.

T-shirt by Hallion Clothing

Just wanted to say that one of my colleagues walked into work wearing this t-shirt on Friday. How awesome is my office?

If you want to get one for yourself they appear to be selling on eBay here. If you want to know what the hell it's referencing check out this gem of cinema Tommy Wiseau's The Room (2003).

I know it doesn't really have the Director's name before the title but by heck it deserves it. A true auteur. Probably the defining movie of our generation.

*sniggers maniacally in the corner*

Black Mirror: White Bear (2013) review

Or your typical who is the monster, and who is the man.

Black Mirror - White Bear (2013) Just me and Manface.

Just to warn you there are going to be a lot of spoilers in this one. Do not read this review if you haven't yet watched the episode. I believe the point of Black Mirror lies in your own complete uninfluenced undertaking of it. In a series about the way we experience media you need to experience it through the intended media, not through the thoughts of others. It is all about your initial response.

Once again, I know Charlie Brooker's Black Mirror (2011 - ) is a TV series not a film, however I take the stance of; It's my blog and I'll do what I like.

I could argue that with quality of film making, arguable durations, as well as the debate of the role of cinema in today's society, not to mention the advent of the home cinema experience, that the roles and definitions of film are constantly blurring. (I mean heck, we don't even use film any more. The concept of 'film' is as ethereal as the content of the first episode in Black Mirror's new season.) I do believe that's this is true but these aren't debates I want to get into here. Maybe in a pub with a few vodkas. I'll see you there.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. It's my blog and I'll do what I want to.

So if Black Mirror: Be Right Back (2013) (you can find my review here) was this season's equivalent of Black Mirror: Fifteen Million Merits (2011), I guess Black Mirror: White Bear (2013)  is the new Black Mirror: National Anthem (2013). Not as good. But that's a huge compliment to the latter.

White Bear follows a girl (Lenora Crichlow) who wakes up in a house with no memory of who or where she is. Her only clue is a photo of a little girl she assumes is her daughter. As she ventures into the outside world she discovers a strange symbol broadcast on every television screen has indoctrinated almost the entire population. The few who are unaffected spend their days desperately attempting to escape the Hunters who,  in the absence of law or society, have become faceless, bloodthirsty killing machines. The majority of humanity however are now silent husks who spend every waking moment watching and filming the plights of the hunted. With the help of another unaffected (Tuppence Middleton), the girl must make it to White Bear, a transmitter tower with the intention of wiping out the signal, all the while with the niggling feeling that everything isn't quite what it seems.

Black Mirror: Be Right Back (2013) Review

Or happy Valentines day darling, one of us will die only to be kept alive by a creepy social media echo.

Black Mirror (2011 - Present):
An empty television screen reflecting into our soul. Spooky.

Now I know this isn't a film, but gosh darnit if someone is going to make me watch an episode for 1 hour and 10 minutes (I've included ad breaks in there to be tricksy) then I will classify it as a film if I want.

So, I don't really celebrate Valentines Day, and outside of the time spent at work Manface spent the majority of the day with his true love, Liverpool FC. I spent it in a separate room rekindling an old flame, my Xbox. I'm only using it for it's body though. Manface however is in a true affair of the mind, heart and soul. He's the real villain.

When we finally did regroup for the day we decided to watch the first episode in the new series of Black Mirror (2013) by Charlie Brooker. It had been setting on our scary, flashy, recordy device for a few days and by jingo it was long over due.

Charlie Brooker: - I Can Make You Hate.
Cheerful stuff.

Now, I love anything by Brooker. I could watch him for hours. Though I am absolutely positive that if I ever had to sit in a room with him for more than ten minutes not only would I hate him, but I would debate on whether or not I was morally obliged to put him out of his misery. I can be an annoyingly chipper sort. The kind who wakes up first thing after a heavy night and yet is still excitable and cheery. I can't comprehend that anyone can genuinely despise our existence so much; let alone do so and wish to continue being in it.

Thinking about it, I think Brooker would probably put me down first. He would think of me as some kind of borderline braindead collie. Bring it, Brooker.

If any of you don't know who Charlie Brooker is, just go check something of his out. I know a lot of you come over from the States (don't think I can't see you lurking there, I have stats and stuff. You can comment, I don't bite.) and I don't really know if any of his stuff ever goes your way. He's crude, he's scathing and above all he is massively cynical and monstrously witty. He doesn't like the popular or the populous for that matter and he will definitely make you know it.

His latest offering really is something special though. It's like the Tinman finally grew a heart. He's fallen in love and although every episode is that epic mixture of beautiful and harrowing, by the conclusion he is still desperately trying to think of ways to ruin it with his cynicism. It's as if he can't risk happiness. Completely bittersweet. Completely Brooker.

Southland Tales (2006) Review

In case you are wondering, you probably just won't get it.

Watch the Trailer here.

For the record I did warn you that my reviews weren't going to be of the latest films, mostly just what I pick up along the way.

This is the sight of Manface running away from a film.
Get used to it!

Someone lent me Southland Tales quite a while ago, but then it got packed up when I moved house so it's been caught up in the unboxing a bit.

I don't have much to say about it to be honest. I started watching it on the sofa with Manface who walked out after 10 minutes with his usual proclamation of 'this is sh**!' Although this time it was more of a 'this is sh**... right?'

It seems one thing Southland Tales is conclusively good at is making you doubt yourself in your boredom. It creates a real 'is it me, or him?' scenario which succeeds perfectly in perpetuating it's 'you just don't get it' culture. It's almost like an emotionally abusive partner; you should be aware that you're a little stupid for loving it, but instead it convinces you that if you don't love it it's because you're stupid.

In Manface's defence I could tell he tried really hard to stick around this time, but Southland Tales is massively trying. It almost became the third ever film I couldn't be bothered to finish.

Southland Tales is set in 2008, three years after a nuclear attack on Texas which has wiped out half of the state. Now America, and soon the world, is powered by a perpetual motion power called fluid karma rendering oil irrelevant. The main narrative follows Boxer Santos (Dwayne Johnson) an action movie star and the husband of a Senator's daughter who is suffering with amnesia. His struggle with identity is compacted as the lines between his forgotten past, blank present and imagined future blur. He is unknowingly having an affair with Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar) a porn star with a plan for total stardom starting with her 'topical' chat show, album, energy drink and dubious ties with the Neo Marxism movement. Finally we have Ronald Taverner (Seann William Scott) an LAPD officer and another character suffering a bout of severe memory loss on the search for his supposed twin brother Roland.

If this sounds complicated, trust me its only the tip of a thoroughly and pointlessly convoluted iceberg. Usually I quite like this kind of hodgepodge of narrative, it adds a kind of chronological realism and allows the reader to pick for themselves what they deem relevant all the while desperately pondering over those they though not. In writing my summary I've missed out a lot, I've probably confused or mistaken even more.  However, trying to write a concise synopsis for the film kind of represents how I felt about watching it. I really couldn't be bothered. The effort of processing it genuinely isn't worth the payoff. I love Donne Darko (2001) but Richard Kelly has really missed the mark with this one.

Django Unchained (2012) Review

Or Tarantino Unleashed!

Me and Manface and Django Unchained (2012)

Watch the Trailer here.

So yes, the subject of the first post on my return was supposed to be Django Unchained (2012) so let's get right on that.

On Wednesday Manface and I went to the Odeon in Bath. That of course means two things;


1. Bath Odeon
Undoubtedly the most uncomfortable cinema I have ever had the displeasure of sitting in. Everything else is fine, don't get me wrong, but they do something to those seats to make you constantly wriggle. Maybe it's a new movement to combat passive viewing in the cinema? I don't know, but I go to the Odeon to watch generic blockbusters. If I want something special I'll go to the Little Theatre every time.

2. Orange Wednesdays
Now I'm not against Orange Wednesday in premise. It brings a lot more people into the cinema which I love. Cinema is communal. I think being forced to overhear and process the opinions of those you wouldn't usually share such insights with can bring about the best type of analysis. It is also for this reason why I will rarely read a review until after I have seen a film. I much prefer to have my own personal, internal (although despite the absence of the other party I often find it does get quite vocal!) debate with a critic than to have their opinions influence my own reading. I digress. The point is more bums on seats is fantastic, however you can always guarantee if there's a bunch of obnoxious cinema goers it will definitely be on a Wednesday.

So beyond that, woooo cinema!

Django Unchained follows slave Django (Jamie Foxx), now a 'Freeman' 'unchained' by his unlikely partner Dr Schultz (Christoph Waltz), a German bounty hunter. After Django shows promise in the profession Schultz takes him on as his protege while they save enough money over the Winter to rescue Django's wife from slavery.