The Cave (2005) review

Or, I know the films set in a cave and all, but the viewing experience doesn't have to feel like I'm in a cave. I want to see dammit!

You can watch the trailer here.

Back in your box Arnie.

So, I'm back, again. Massively resisting the urge to use ridiculously clichéd catchphrases. BACK IN YOUR BOX ARNIE!

I have a new laptop. I don't like it. The track pad is too massive for my weirdly stunted thumbs and my mouse pointer takes so long to scroll anyway, it feels like I am sexually assaulting my laptop to get from one side of the screen to the other. I have upped the settings, but no dice. I'm starting to think I have no soul as lifts (or elevators, American cousins) also seem oblivious to when I press the buttons. At work I often have to wait until someone else will hit my floor for me.

Hit the stairs you bum!

But we won't let all that stop us from having fun now will we? Well actually, I probably will, because I can be bratty like that.

I have actually had my new laptop for a little while. However, it has unfortunately left me too poor to enjoy the simple pleasures of the cinema, and although I do have Sky movies, they never seem to have anything worth watching. Seriously, how can Sky be so expensive, and yet the only thing I ever watch on it is Storage Wars (TV Series 2010 - ) repeats, (which I can get on Freeview anyway) while I desperately wait for the shows I watch which are exclusive to Sky? (Which by the way don't even fill up one hand, even if we don't count my weirdly short thumbs?)

I don't think I even realised how weirdly short my thumbs are until I bought this laptop.

Wow, two rants for the price of one. Well at least I am posting.

Still, I have just finished watching the latest season of Game of Thrones (TV Series 2011 -) (which is exclusive to Sky, yey!), while simultaneously catching up on the books. (As much as I love Game of Thrones, after this rant I am starting to realise it probably isn't worth £40+ pounds per month, but hey, Manface is a football fan so likelihood is we will continue to pay for it, and if he wants his football so badly, then gosh darnit I will have my movies package that I never watch.)

That's three rants now. I'm on fire.

I'm really not going to review it. Too many spoilers, too many intricacies, and I don't review TV as I don't feel you can judge a series until you see how they tie it all together, *ahem* Lost (TV Series 2004 - 2010), Heroes (TV Series 2006-2010). Well except all of those episodes of Black Mirror I reviewed, but I let that slide because each episode is self contained so pretty much a film in its own right. And once again, it's my blog and I'll do what I like, so there.

So.....the point was, I'm back, have laptop, and will hopefully be reviewing actual films for you again soon.

As a special treat for any of you who were really bored enough to read this entire post, (seriously, I'm not even going to read it back to proof, this is pure, unadulterated filler), here is a fabulous version of what the Game of Thrones intro would have looked like on an 1990s VHS edition by Mikolaj.Birek, which they themselves constructed from this fabulous video from Hunterlsanders, and this music by Steve Duzz.

In case you don't get it kids, in the 90s it was very impressive for an actor to be able to convey all two emotions, happy and serious.

See you soon... maybe.

Reel Heroes

Don't think I've mentioned these before but the awesome Manface bought me these for my birthday one year;

• Serenity (2005)

• Scott Pilgrim vs the World (2010)

Apologies, broken laptop, crappy Blogger app and too lazy to use coding means you only get crappy images from my iPhone camera now! I am so good to you.

These are the 'Reel Heroes' comic cover editions of two of my favourite films and they are fricking gorgeous! 

Wipe Yourself Off Man, You Dead

So, as quickly as it all began it stops again!

I have a few things to tell you about. I went to see Muppets Most Wanted (2014) and The Double (2013).

One was awesome. One sucked. Will hopefully tell you about that soon. I also got to see Rush (2013) in the wonderful world of home cinema. 

However my dear old friend Sonny the laptop, after five long years, decided to quite spectacularly catch fire and writing blog posts on mobile is painful!

Otherwise I would have embedded this awesome clip into the title, but I am too lazy to work out if I can use coding within the Blogger mobile app, and even so I can't be bothered to use coding on a mobile phone for every link I want to embed and every bit of style I want to include. 

So, look forward to nothing but short, completely un-interactive posts about drivel for a while. In the meantime I will either attempt to find a blogging app that doesn't completely suck, or sing on street corners until I can afford a new laptop. 

Laters taters!

Edit: As you can see, I have  new laptop and the compulsive in me couldn't bare to let this post stay with no direct links or without that clip embedded into the post. Yey for me!

Judging a Film by It's Trailer! - Friday 11th April 2014

Welcome to your second week of Judging a Film by It's Trailer! Let's see if we can make this one out on time shall we!

So in case you didn't tune in last week, here's the deal;

Using the list courtesy of Launching Films, I watch the trailers of all the movies (hopefully, if not as many as I get to in time) being released in UK cinemas on the coming Friday. Give my basic thoughts, and categorise them into Green, Orange and Red, dependent on my desperation to watch them. The categorisation is pretty basic, but I'm only watching the trailers so that's the point. Snap decisions based on often badly constructed representations of the final product. Woooo for badly informed choices!

If you want intelligent review, step away now.

Friday 11th April 2014

• The Quiet Ones
• Calvary
• The Strange Colour of Your Body's Tears
• The Lunchbox
• The Last Days on Mars
• Khumba: A Zebra's Tale (3D)
• Half Of A Yellow Sun
• The Raid 2
• Pioneer
• The King And The Mockingbird
• Willow And Wind (Beed-o Baad)

Lets get to it then shall we!

An Ode to the 80s Cinema

Or Showcase Cinema, Bristol Avonmeads.

Photo from Geograph.org.uk

This is a really random post, but I just have to talk about how much I love this hideous, eyesore of a cinema.This Showcase cinema is probably one of the most neglected (by cinemagoers, not the staff or management) cinemas in Bristol or my whole area really, and I absolutely adore it! Here is why;

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) Review

Or, I don't know what the bloody hell is happening, but it's a bloody good ride. 

You can watch the trailer here.

So, there's me getting all smug that I'm up to date with my film reviews for the first time ever, when I realised I forgot to review my favourite film so far this year!

I am one of those dirty millennial postmodernists so of course dear old Wes Anderson is pretty much my God, and The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) marks a return to top form. 

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed Moonrise Kingdom (2012). The perils of young love were adorable and I loved the way their relationship blossomed, all over the backdrop of a young scout taking his badges far too seriously. It was perfect, and it was totally Wes. 

However it didn't quite feel right. Wes's films are snappy and full of lunacy and move so quickly from one moment to the next that we don't have time to question the bizarreness of it all. That's the fun of his dialogue. It all comes across as people talking to themselves in the mirror, reacting quicker than their brains can process speech as it is practically all a train of thought. 

Moonrise Kingdom was much slower and more indulgent. Which was a nice change of pace but not where his best filmmaking functions. I got the impression he came across this kid, Jared Gilman, fell in love with him, and just wanted to see where it would go. I can't blame him, Gilman was amazing, and Moonrise Kingdom is still far better than most films out there, but it was never going to be my favourite.

Grand Budapest however was just perfect. So much so that I came out of the cinema just plain loving it. I couldn't pick out any individual bits that made it perfect. It just was. It's not very often I can go into a film and completely suspend all disbelief. Anderson is the only director I have known to get me to put down my analysis hat and just let me go along for the ride. 

Judging a Film by It's Trailer! - Friday 4th April 2014

This is what I am hoping will be a weekly fixture, though I'm not going to commit as I know it won't happen. I watch the trailers. Give my basic thoughts, and categorise them into Green, Orange and Red, dependent on my desperation to watch them. The categorisation is pretty basic, but I'm only watching the trailers so that's the point! Snap decisions based on often badly constructed representations of the final product!

If you want intelligent review, step away now.

So this week British Cinemas get to be graced by the following gems. Lists courtesy of Launching Films.

Friday 4 April 2014

• Divergent
• The Double
• Haunter
• Honour
• Main Tera Hero
• The Motel Life
• Noah
• Rio 2 (3D)
• A Story of Children and Film
• Tom at the Farm
• Visitors

Lets get to it then shall we!

Dead Man (1995) Review

Or, are we dead yet?

You can find the trailer here.

I had never heard of Dead Man (1995) and I am amazed such a film has managed to slip under so many people's radars.

Here is your IMDB synopsis;

Dead Man is the story of a young man's journey, both physically and spiritually, into very unfamiliar terrain. William Blake travels to the extreme western frontiers of America sometime in the 2nd half of the 19th century. Lost and badly wounded, he encounters a very odd, outcast Native American, named "Nobody," who believes Blake is actually the dead English poet of the same name. The story, with Nobody's help, leads William Blake through situations that are in turn comical and violent. Contrary to his nature, circumstances transform Blake into a hunted outlaw, a killer, and a man whose physical existence is slowly slipping away. Thrown into a world that is cruel and chaotic, his eyes are opened to the fragility that defines the realm of the living. It is as though he passes through the surface of a mirror, and emerges into a previously-unknown world that exists on the other side.

Film News: Woah..Wait...What? Sofia Coppola, The Little Mermaid, how did I not know about this!?

Well it's not official, in fact its so not official it doesn't have any information on the IMDB page as of yet, but apparently Sofia Coppola is going to be directing a true to the original fairy tale version of The Little Mermaid!

Photo by Annie Leibovitz for Disney Parks.
This totally hasn't been my phone and laptop paper for the past few years....honest.

I love Coppola as a director and cannot wait to see what she does with it. Fairy tale films, especially darker, more sinister versions which really get to the heart of the original cautionary tales, are my absolute passion.

I literally grew up on these kinds of films. I was born in 1988, the year before Disney's The Little Mermaid (1989) was released. This was back in the days when Disney wouldn't release anything on home video for fear of upsetting its theatrical re-release profits every seven years or so. By the time I was toddling about my dad found a version of The Little Mermaid in the bargain bin section of our local Blockbuster video rental store, (yeah kids I'm old!) for a bargain price and I was introduced to this beauty.

Under the Skin (2013) Review

Or Girl meets Boys, Girl seduces and kills all the Boys, Girl decides she like all the Boys really, Boys are Bastards. You know, your typical Girl meets Boy story.

You can watch the trailer here.

Warning: There will be swearing, and there will be penis. Lots of penis.

Under the Skin (2013) was certainly interesting. I'm constantly fighting against myself with this one. I hated it. Then it grew on me the more I thought about it. Then I kept remembering the ending and chastising myself for starting to like it.

I wanted to love it, and for a while I did. But then it all went wrong.

When I decided I wanted to watch the film, this was all I knew about it. Synopsis courtesy of Flixster;

A voluptuous woman of unknown origin combs the highway in search of isolated or forsaken men, luring a succession of lost souls into an otherworldly lair. They are seduced, stripped of their humanity, and never heard from again. Based on the novel by Michael Faber, this film examines human experience from the perspective of an unforgettable heroine who grows too comfortable in her borrowed skin, until she is abducted into humanity with devastating results.

Titanic Disorder

Or, Rose, Rose, I'm going to the shops Rose. Thanks Jack, see you later Jack. Wait, Jack, Jack! Don't forget the milk Jack. I won't Rose. I love you Rose. I love you too Jack.

I hate Titanic (1997).

Not even going to go into why as we have had nearly 20 years to moan about it. However, the main thing that really made me want to scrub out my ears with a scouring pad to save me from the inanity of it, was the fact that every single character has to mention Jack and Rose's names whenever they talk about them, to them, or in proximity to them. It is as if James Cameron is terrified that we might forget who these starcrossed nimrods, through whom is the only way we can possibly feel any sympathy for the deaths of over 1,500 people, are if they don't!

In case you can't tell. It really irritated me. I did note that in one sentence one of their names were used 3 times. I never wanted to go back and gather evidence though. It was just too painful.

Luckily for me though, CinemaSins have done it for me! Enjoy folks!

If the embedded video doesn't work for you, try going here.

Edit: Yeah sorry, I can't just leave it at that. I have to rant more!

Seriously, Cameron uses their names in the dialogue 173 times?! Even in a 3 hour and 14 minute movie (thanks for that as well Cameron!) that is a name mention every 1 minutes and 5 seconds!

Stuff Sentence: E Deck, Cameron should be sentenced to Titanic heaven with Jack and Rose so he can endure the 'name calling' for eternity!

Rant over. Promise.

My Random Term Glossary

This post will be continuously edited and reworked as I add more things to it. It will get messy. It will get disorganised. I will not apologise. Yes I will, I'm British. Sorry!

Deep Impact Effect
This is when a film worries that people are not emotionally invested enough in a harrowing plot line / are getting bored, so they hold up a crying baby to remind you of how serious this all is. Courtesy of Deep Impact (1998).

Hamster Style
Something happens in the first 10 minutes that comes back to haunt the narrative. Ever noticed how anyone who coughs at the start of a film almost always dies of consumption at the end? Your basic Chekhov's gun. "One must never place a loaded rifle on the stage if it isn't going to go off. It's wrong to make promises you don't mean to keep." - Chekhov. Genuinely can't remember who nicknamed it Hamster style though.

Phoebe Buffay Treatment
When you never show the ending to a film in order to protect the viewer and yourself from a horrific ending. From the Friends (1994-2004) episode 'The One Where Old Yeller Dies'.

Titanic Disorder
An illness in which a film has to mention the name of the character each line is addressing, every single time. This is to ensure the audience remembers their names, and that they know exactly who they are talking to because editing, acting or any form of direction just isn't enough. It is most commonly found in plays written by primary school children, and James Cameron films. Courtesy of Titanic (1997).

Gaddily bob-howdy!

Or, woah, look what I found!

Randomly was just checking some cast and crew deets for Toy Story (1995) courtesy of IMDB when I spotted this;

Screenplay by none other than Joss Whedon! As if Toy Story could be any more awesome!

That's all folks. back to your scheduled programming.

Veronica Mars (2014) Review

Or, a long time ago, we used to be friends but I haven't thought of you lately at all.

You can watch the trailer here.

Veronica Mars (2014) was exactly to be expected. It was made for the fans. Luckily for me I was such a fan. 

Here's your IMDB synopsis;

Years after walking away from her past as a teenage private eye, Veronica Mars gets pulled back to her hometown - just in time for her high school reunion - in order to help her old flame Logan Echolls, who's embroiled in a murder mystery.

All the 'in jokes' were there. You even had the random busker playing the theme song courtesy of Spider-Man (2002). (I still can't sing the Spider Man theme song without going 'Look out, woooooooo! Here comes the Spider Man!")

Everyone was there that you expected, and hoped, to be at the reunion. They even attended a high school reunion! How delightfully meta of you Veronica Mars!

I speak with sarcasm but I did love it for all those little nods to the fans who made it happen during the phenomenal Veronica Mars Movie kick starter campaign. The main priority of the film was to resolve the ultimate frustration of the fans when the show was cancelled. Get Veronica back with Logan. 

Piz was a nice guy and all, but everyone who watched the series as a teenager knew you just can't separate Veronica and Logan. God, I feel dirty for still being invested in this!

The film delivered on its promise. Unfortunately, it did so in such a way that to anyone who didn't know the show it will just feel solely like an obvious rom-com interlaced with dabbles of crime drama. 

The important thing was it ended by promising there would be more to come. We've had our fun, we've done all that we promised fans, now we will take it seriously. However, by then I think Veronica Mars would have alienated the potential new audience and have already pandered too much to the old. 

Gravity (2013) Review

Or, the first actual roller coaster ride of a film in years. 

You can watch the trailer here.

Gravity (2013) was absolutely perfect, and so much more deserving of the Best Picture Oscar than 12 Years a Slave (2013). Seriously, how can a film possibly win the following accolades but not Best Picture?

• Best Achievement in Directing
• Best Achievement in Cinematography
• Best Achievement in Film Editing
• Best Achievement in Visual Effects
• Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
• Best Achievement in Sound Editing
• Best Achievement in Sound Mixing

Of the 10 Oscar's it was nominated for it won 7. Every sum of its parts was listed as the best but it did not win best picture. The only other wins for 12 Years were Best Supporting Actress for Lupita Nyong'o (which was thoroughly deserved) and Best Adapted Screen Play. Grrrrrrr!

Anyway, I have already digressed. I can't say I often agree with the Oscar winners so why this came to be such a surprise for me I will never know. 12 Years was written to win an Oscar and white American slave guilt won out after all. I just wish they hadn't been so obvious about it.

I'm going to try and keep this short as my posts have been intolerably wrong recently and for that I apologise. I am an arrogant critic who loves to hear the sound of her own voice it would seem. Though this blog is done for my benefit more than anyone else's so if you don't like it, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!

Anyway, let's compose ourselves shall we. Here is your IMDB synopsis;

Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) is a brilliant medical engineer on her first shuttle mission, with veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) in command of his last flight before retiring. But on a seemingly routine spacewalk, disaster strikes. The shuttle is destroyed, leaving Stone and Kowalsky completely alone - tethered to nothing but each other and spiraling out into the blackness.

The atmosphere (see what I did there!) throughout the film was fantastic. I haven't been made to feel in that way by Cinema for what feels like ages. It seemed like Hollywood had lost its ability to make us emphasise with a character without throwing in an hysterical tearjerker.

Spring Breakers (2012) Review

Or, do you feel abused yet?

You can watch the trailer here.

The verdict is in. This season's youths respond only to stroboscopic imagery, bright colours, discordant sound. Their life is a snapshot. Their emotions in colour. Their thoughts a one liner. Their image a selfie.

If you don't pick up any sarcasm there then you are at the wrong blog.

Here is the IMDB synopsis for you;

Brit, Candy, Cotty, and Faith have been best friends since grade school. They live together in a boring college dorm and are hungry for adventure. All they have to do is save enough money for spring break to get their shot at having some real fun. A serendipitous encounter with rapper "Alien" promises to provide the girls with all the thrill and excitement they could hope for. With the encouragement of their new friend, it soon becomes unclear how far the girls are willing to go to experience a spring break they will never forget.

I, like most people I think, always had a sense that Spring Breakers (2013) could go either way. (Originally this was the point where I broke into a huge rant about James Franco but for the sake of my and your sanity I’m trying to avoid it. Maybe a separate post!)

Now I'll be completely honest, I lost interest in the film about thirty minutes in and started doing something with my phone. Nothing interesting enough to remember, again like the first half an hour or so of this film.

From the off Spring Breakers was everything I expected it to be, which was mainly vapid and shallow. The editing was snappy in a way which was intended to create a discordant and syncopated narrative but just seemed pointless. Every scene was dark and over shadowed with garish coloured lighting to give it that Enter the Void (2009) for teenagers feel. It was that kind of aesthetic intended to look like a music video for the MTV generation. But I'm afraid the MTV generation are all grown up now Korine, and we like you cannot hold on to these tales of growing up dramatically forever.

12 Years a Slave (2013) Review

Or, everyone should be equal, though it seems some are much more equal than others.

You can find the trailer here.

Now I just want to state from the very beginning (I still can't say that phrase without going into The Sound of Music in my head) that I very much enjoyed this film. Considering the length, it was fantastically well paced. Even in a theatre with a heater relentlessly trying to cook my legs, and a horrendous cough I was desperately trying to conceal (mostly with wine) it went by very quickly.

However, it must first be noted that I watched 12 Years a Slave (2013) after it had won the Best Picture Oscar so it had a lot to live up to.

For those who have been living under a rock, here is the IMDB synopsis;

Based on an incredible true story of one man's fight for survival and freedom. In the pre-Civil War United States, Solomon Northup (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a free black man from upstate New York, is abducted and sold into slavery. Facing cruelty (personified by a malevolent slave owner, portrayed by Michael Fassbender), as well as unexpected kindnesses, Solomon struggles not only to stay alive, but to retain his dignity. In the twelfth year of his unforgettable odyssey, Solomon's chance meeting with a Canadian abolitionist (Brad Pitt) will forever alter his life.

This was one of those films where I watched it thinking it was amazing, but as soon as the lights went up it didn't take too long before questions and doubts started crawling into my mind.

Here is a little insight into why I find 12 Years a Slave just a little too unnerving.

Ride Along (2014) Review

Or, I'm not going to waste my time writing a long detailed review as this film was pointless.

You can view the trailer if you are really, really bored here.

So I went to see Ride Along (2014) on Wednesday. Wasn't by choice really, but I did drag the Tweebs out to watch Frozen (2013) last week and it turns out revenge is a dish best served bland and tepid.

Here is a nice IMDB plot synopsis for you;

Fast-talking security guard Ben joins his cop brother-in-law James on a 24-hour patrol of Atlanta in order to prove himself worthy of marrying Angela, James' sister.

At best it was offensive. Two of my favourite quotes, and quite frankly the only ones I can remember were "He's one gene away from being a midget." And, after a bunch of gang members pull out their weapons in a strip club (not in that way, though they might as well have), "Man, you gotta be kidding me! You gonna pull out a gun, when you looking at THIS?" as he points at a stripper's ass. Oh I did forget another. After breaking up to teenagers fighting in the cafeteria Kevin Hart responds, "You can't fight, you're white." Way to ghetoise every other race and perpetuate notions of white vs. other Hart!

At worst and most generally it was just bland. Ice Cube, is terrible. Kevin Hart is loud and irritating, in a way that I'm guessing is meant to be endearing, and Tika Sumpter, the love interest and sister of our tale, was little more than window dressing.

Seriously. All she did in the film was;

1. Nearly get "pounded by the black hammer" on numerous occasions.
2. Send sexy texts to Kevin Hart - which you don't even see her do, you just get to watch Hart react like a Neanderthal and Ice Cube look disgusted. I think. All his faces are the same. I say faces, I mean snarls.
3. Wear some hot pants.
4. Briefly play a little Xbox - which is just intended to be funny I think, for no reason other than women can't play consoles or shooting games, or something. Our little thumbs are just too weak.
5. Get kidnapped, still wearing said hot pants. 

I literally paid more attention to the hot pants than this poor woman. Though I guess that was the point. Job well done Ride Along! Even straight ladies were intrigued by the hot pants.

Frozen (2012) Review / Contextual Study

Or about blooming time Disney!

Watch the trailer here.

Well, almost a full year since I last promised I would post again, here I am! We'll catch up on that later.

So last night I watched Frozen, (massively late to the party I know, but we'll get on to that later too!) this morning I purchased the soundtrack with my iTunes voucher (thank you Beardface) and drove into work belting out Let It Go on repeat.

I'm not going to even pretend that I'm not a huge Disney fan, and I'm certainly not going to apologise for it. I know the evils, I know all about the commercialisation of childhood, I studied it at university for Pete's sake (I did actually write my dissertation on Disney) and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I know many argue that Disney has dictated an illusion of childhood for many, but for me it created a childhood of jumping from sofas playing Peter Pan (1953), the pleasure in singing as loud as you can instead of screaming at someone, and taught me from a very young age the importance of good storytelling. I think my fascination for film and plot all comes from my love of Disney as a child and is probably the reason I write, and why this blog comes to you now.

As I'm sure you can tell already, I really loved this film. It was the final conclusion to my hopes for Tangled (2010) and The Princess and the Frog (2009). The realisation of the return to the Disney model. The last of which I haven't seen since Mulan (1999) when I was still pretty young.

Now, being a 'Princess' film (or more importantly in this case, a 'Queen' film), Frozen is of course rife with gender politics which I may touch on, but I'm pretty sure every other reviewer would have done so already. Also, I have already dedicated a whole dissertation to gender politics in Disney films so I've done that to death for now. Therefore I'm going to look at it more as an analysis of the Disney model.